Home.

Is that where I am?

Or is "home" in North Carolina...or Ohio?

I've moved around so much in the last 10 years of my life that I am wondering where I really consider "home" anymore. Hilliard, Ohio...Westerville/Worthington, Ohio...Columbus...Athens...or Laurinburg, North Carolina? For obvious reasons, the United Kingdom is my new home...only, one I'm still getting used to.

I went for a walk a few days ago and felt so stupid just trying to cross the street. I literally waited for the woman who was on the opposite side of the road to start to cross before I moved. Initially I was prepared to just go for it, but then I realized I was looking left first when I should have been looking right and I was thinking that the people in their cars were going to lose their patience with this silly American girl standing in the middle of the crossing like a deer in headlights. The cars were all coming so fast and I couldn't think fast enough of what I needed to do next. My brain just froze. I've since asked Matt if we could travel a few places by bus and train so I can get used to how it works here until I have a car of my own.

I'm also having a hard time getting my head around the fact that I am here to stay and this is not just another holiday visit. I suppose that will all fall into place once we are married and in a new place. We're supposed to be looking at a place this coming weekend. A guy Matt works with has a bungalow in Sedgley, not far from here in Kingswinford. It won't be ready for a couple months yet, but we're keeping it open as an option.

Matt just celebrated his 34th birthday yesterday - well, Sunday the 10th (depending on when this posts). We had a nice meal with his dad and Em & Daz at the Round Oak Pub in Brierley Hill. His mom was working so we popped down to Merry Hill to see her while picking up a few things before dinner. Then we ended up back at Em & Daz's in Stourbridge for the rest of the night until they brought us back here to the flat. I am really enjoying getting to spend more time with everyone. It was different during visits because I was only here for a week or so at a time, with the exception of last summer. This time I'm beginning to understand everyone's humor a little more and I feel a bit more comfortable - although I still have a ways to go. It's nice to be around genuine people though who don't bring you down with negativity. I think it's part of what I have missed from each visit. So, I'm really looking forward to getting closer to everyone.

In the same token, I miss so many people from the states already. My NC girls, my family and friends in Ohio, etc., and mostly my kitty cats. I didn't want to have to leave them and I think I have been the most homesick (if that's what you'd call it) for them. I worry if they are eating or if they're scared every night. I wish I was there to cuddle and kiss them and I know no one will be that way like I have been. I can't wait until January when they can be with me for good. I've called a couple times for my Nan as well but just gotten the machine, so I at least left a message. I've never lived closer than 45 minutes to her -- yet I've also never lived this far away. It's not even as simple as a 10-hour drive anymore.

Wow, I'm beginning to notice how dim this whole post must seem. At the end of the day, I am happy to be here. Happier than I have been in a long time. I get to fall asleep and wake up to the man who has changed my life for the better and I feel so lucky he has been in my life for as long as he has. So my new home is here, with him. So although it may take a bit more time for my own mind and lifestyle to adjust, I honestly can't say I'd be happier anywhere else -- because it no longer has to be two halves of one heart, divided.

At the risk of going all "ABC After School Special" on my readers or sounding like Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, I can now say to myself, Welcome Home.

I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one morning I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned, her words came alive

Wish I could roll out of town like a runaway train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
Never sit on the sidelines of life, I'd dance every dance
If I just had the chance

A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost

Wish I could roll out of town like a runaway train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
Never sit on the sidelines of life, I'd dance every dance
If I just had the chance

The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And out here on this road, I'm making up for lost time
Yeah I am my mother's child
And tonight in this car
I got her words in my suitcase, and her dreams in my heart

As I roll out of town like a runaway train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
Never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

~ Julie Roberts